Friday, June 26, 2009

My second coming out

I've said before that growing up I thought "I'm not going to have kids.... but if I was a guy, I would".

And then I put it out of my mind completely. Told everyone I wasn't into kids. Believed that kids and I just didn't mix. But I know I really want children now, and it feels like a second coming out, as I tell people that "yes, that's what I said before, but now..." It's not that I was lying, it was that I convinced myself it was something I believed.

It feels SO normal, now that I'm with my girl. The thought that we'll have a family together seems right. We could have "our family" - the two of us, a child or two. The other day I went to a work morning tea, and the boss introduced a new staff member. Talked about his wonderful career, his wife, his kids. And I thought "one day that could be me getting introduced in a new workplace. Me, my wife, my kids". The irony is society accepts it less, but for me, it makes more sense to me than me with a bloke. I didn't think of me and my ex as a family, but already I think of Bride-to-be and me as a family. Maybe because I can picture myself in the situation of the "supportive and loving husband" but not so much in the "maternal and loving wife" scenario.

Then I chatted to a colleague and he was talking about his kids, and then he asked what was new with me, and I wanted to say "I want to have children" but I figure you don't say that stuff till one of you is pregnant, at least. I always thought all those women that walked around discussing how they wanted kids were a bit pathetic, and now I'm (kind of) one of them. It's like when I knew I wanted to be with women, but didn't tell people because I figured there was no point when I was single. People don't walk around saying "I'm heterosexual", you know, so why would I tell everyone?

But that's that. I want to have children. That's pretty huge for me to say.


  1. Kinda liberating when you break out of the "I would never's" no? :)

  2. I love reading your blog. I love reading about the contrasts in your emotional life between your heterosexual life and your gay life. I never wouldve known, truly, the visceral difference IT if it werent for the power of a dancefloor. I NEVER had ANY desire to DANCE, before I met butch women. And then I was all like, I REALLY like to DANCE!

  3. Thanks Tina, I think you're absolutely right... when you change the "I would never" to "maybe one day". And we've already found our donor! :-)

    Deseray - thank you for your kind words. I think you're absolutely right, it's amazing how being with a woman can be different to being with a man!