Originally we couldn't decide between red or pink as our wedding colour.
Red is a favourite colour of us both, and I was secretly hoping for red. I knew that bright red bridesmaid dresses would make for great photos, and the fact that I had purple bridesmaid dresses (with pink flowers) in my first wedding means I was a little reluctant to go all girly again this time around.
Turns out bride-to-be was also hoping for red, but I wasn't aware. I guess because she thought I was campaigning for pink. Plus, we both felt our eldest sisters preferred to wear pink.
Because we coudln't decide, we sent a text message to the six bridesmaids asking for votes between: fuschia, pale pink or red. Mostly we got votes for red or fuschia.... and because one of the girls said she hated red, we opted to fuschia. Somehow I also got it in my head that my sister didn't want to wear red.
When she was visiting in February, I showed her a dress I loved. "If you were happy to wear red, I think this would be the dress". She loved the dress too - and said "I said I liked wearing red!"
With that knowledge, Bride-to-be and I looked at each other and swiftly changed our wedding colour to red, while my sister tried the dress on and fell in love with it.
So now our wedding colour is red, and I'm so excited. Accents of red are scattered throughout our entire house - cushions, bar stools, towels, curtains for starters. We even have red kitchen appliances. It's really us, and having pink just wouldn't have felt right.
We have a few little things to plan now - mainly the cake topper. I got a cake topper made in China, but the little model of bride-to-be has HUGE boobs and she's embarrassed by it, so we're trying to find a new same-sex cake topper. Any suggestions?
We also have to finalise our invitations, but I've got a graphic designer from work helping us with that...
And our favors. We're giving away CDs with our favourite music on it. 19 songs. 5 songs are wedding related (what I walk down the aisle to, what she'll walk down the aisle to, signing the certificate, walking off and our first dance) and then the other 12 songs... well we've decided to pick six each from mix CDs we've made each other. But we have to finalise our decisions with music and start to make the CDs.
We're just under the 5 month mark, so we still have plenty of time, but I'd rather finish things like the cake topper and the favors and so on because nothing in terms of that can go off or change, so it won't matter if we're storing it for a few months.
One thing I'm torn about is stationary - whether we need to do an order of service program or anything like that. I haven't decided....
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Square peg, round hole
On a recent post, Desaray mentioned that she likes reading the differences between my former "hetero" life and my current gay lifestyle in this blog. When I first joined the lesbian community, I promised myself I'd try to avoid mentioning I was once married to a man as much as possible in case people judged me. Now days, I realise how silly that is and that by mentioning it, I might actually help some women who are questioning themselves. A lot of lesbians were once with men - it makes me no less a lesbian than those that knew from the early days and were never with men.
As a result, this post is less about me as a lesbian and more about me learning about men chasing women.... apologies for those of you who've stumbled across my blog and want to read about the gay gay gay stuff.... scroll down! :-D
Anyway... I do regret the time I spent with men because I think there were obvious clues before I started dating men and I think I could have spent a lot more time exploring my sexuality instead. I must confess I even became a bit "boy-mad" for a while - at least that was the reputation in my family. Once guys started paying me attention, I lapped it up... but I'm just that kind of person. I do happen to like attention. More than that, I know what I find sexy in a girl, and I went with that. Guys used to say all the time "you know what the guys want". Yes, because I wanted it too!
I often think back to the clues, and there are many. Some are embarrassing, or perverted. Some just show my tom-boy and hidden butch side (I'm a femme on the outside, but I think I'm quite masculine on the inside).
I still remember the first time a boy hit on me. Or at least, the first time I realised it. These days I'm overweight and not at all self-obsessed, but as a teenager I was quite stunning - tall, slim and so on (I realise that's quite egotistical to say, but I think talking of the past, it's okay). Basically my point is that I was never short of male attention. I always hung out with the guys, but it was about 14 when I realised they felt differently. I didn't.
I was 14 when I was swimming in a lake with my family. Always one to test my limits, I started swimming across the lake, proud of the fact that I was so independent. I was lying on my back in the water when a boy, a little older than me, came over and asked me about my holiday, and whether I'd like to hang out with him. Normally hanging out with the boys came naturally, but it occured to me by the way he was leering at me that he wasn't interested in skipping rocks or swimming together. I had absolutely not interest in boys, didn't find them attractive at all, and politely decline and swam back to my sister, who teased me about the boy who hit on me. It was like my innocence had suddenly smashed into little pieces, because that leer was something I noticed for years to come. Boys had changed, and were interested in me. My sister encouraged me to pick a guy to have my first kiss with. The idea of kissing a boy had never occured to me, and as I mulled it over, I decided I didn't want to do it.... but then friends of mine started kissing boys, and it seemed like the thing to do if you weren't prudish.
So when I was 15 a boy lunged at me with his mouth, and I let him. I figured it was time. It wouldn't be til I was 19 that I first kissed a girl - actively persuing a girl on a dance floor.
There were plenty of clues I was into girls prior to that, and plenty of clues after that, and one day I'll write about them... but I got my first boyfriend at 15 and was with him on and off for years. During that time I kissed plenty of girls and knew I was definitely into women (bi?), but figured that given the choice, I may as well be with men and have all those hetero prilvedges. I finally married and was married for five years, separated by the time by 30th birthday party rolled around.
It never felt right. I never once relaxed into that marriage. I was always trying to understand what I needed to do as a wife, and how we should interact. I felt more like best friends than lovers, but not in a good way. We had sex, but... there was something missing. A connection.
And now... I don't question my connection with my girl. I analyse by nature, so of course I analyse parts of our relationship to see what we could improve, or where we work really well, but that's just me. But I'm happy, content, and it feels natural. More natural than when I tried to fit into the hetero world. That never came naturally to me. It hurts to think I didn't listen to myself more carefully, didn't analyse my feelings more deeply, didn't pay attention to those niggling doubts. All I can say is that at least I did it... that at least one day I woke up and realised I'd tried to force myself into the hetero world and didn't fit, and I could remedy that.
And I have, and it feels ... right.
As a result, this post is less about me as a lesbian and more about me learning about men chasing women.... apologies for those of you who've stumbled across my blog and want to read about the gay gay gay stuff.... scroll down! :-D
Anyway... I do regret the time I spent with men because I think there were obvious clues before I started dating men and I think I could have spent a lot more time exploring my sexuality instead. I must confess I even became a bit "boy-mad" for a while - at least that was the reputation in my family. Once guys started paying me attention, I lapped it up... but I'm just that kind of person. I do happen to like attention. More than that, I know what I find sexy in a girl, and I went with that. Guys used to say all the time "you know what the guys want". Yes, because I wanted it too!
I often think back to the clues, and there are many. Some are embarrassing, or perverted. Some just show my tom-boy and hidden butch side (I'm a femme on the outside, but I think I'm quite masculine on the inside).
I still remember the first time a boy hit on me. Or at least, the first time I realised it. These days I'm overweight and not at all self-obsessed, but as a teenager I was quite stunning - tall, slim and so on (I realise that's quite egotistical to say, but I think talking of the past, it's okay). Basically my point is that I was never short of male attention. I always hung out with the guys, but it was about 14 when I realised they felt differently. I didn't.
I was 14 when I was swimming in a lake with my family. Always one to test my limits, I started swimming across the lake, proud of the fact that I was so independent. I was lying on my back in the water when a boy, a little older than me, came over and asked me about my holiday, and whether I'd like to hang out with him. Normally hanging out with the boys came naturally, but it occured to me by the way he was leering at me that he wasn't interested in skipping rocks or swimming together. I had absolutely not interest in boys, didn't find them attractive at all, and politely decline and swam back to my sister, who teased me about the boy who hit on me. It was like my innocence had suddenly smashed into little pieces, because that leer was something I noticed for years to come. Boys had changed, and were interested in me. My sister encouraged me to pick a guy to have my first kiss with. The idea of kissing a boy had never occured to me, and as I mulled it over, I decided I didn't want to do it.... but then friends of mine started kissing boys, and it seemed like the thing to do if you weren't prudish.
So when I was 15 a boy lunged at me with his mouth, and I let him. I figured it was time. It wouldn't be til I was 19 that I first kissed a girl - actively persuing a girl on a dance floor.
There were plenty of clues I was into girls prior to that, and plenty of clues after that, and one day I'll write about them... but I got my first boyfriend at 15 and was with him on and off for years. During that time I kissed plenty of girls and knew I was definitely into women (bi?), but figured that given the choice, I may as well be with men and have all those hetero prilvedges. I finally married and was married for five years, separated by the time by 30th birthday party rolled around.
It never felt right. I never once relaxed into that marriage. I was always trying to understand what I needed to do as a wife, and how we should interact. I felt more like best friends than lovers, but not in a good way. We had sex, but... there was something missing. A connection.
And now... I don't question my connection with my girl. I analyse by nature, so of course I analyse parts of our relationship to see what we could improve, or where we work really well, but that's just me. But I'm happy, content, and it feels natural. More natural than when I tried to fit into the hetero world. That never came naturally to me. It hurts to think I didn't listen to myself more carefully, didn't analyse my feelings more deeply, didn't pay attention to those niggling doubts. All I can say is that at least I did it... that at least one day I woke up and realised I'd tried to force myself into the hetero world and didn't fit, and I could remedy that.
And I have, and it feels ... right.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The same, but different
Recently this blog was reviewed on one of those blog catalogues and the reviewer commented that it was more of a general blog and less about the "how to" of creating your lesbian wedding. This got me thinking...
* what is a lesbian wedding?
* how does it differ from a hetero wedding, or a gay (boy) wedding?
* does it have to differ at all?
* are there any "how tos" in creating a lesbian wedding that a web site like theknot.com couldn't provide (just change the gender when you're reading it).
Of course, I often seek out gay wedding sites... I love seeing pictures of two gals or two guys making that committed leap. I love seeing if the girls are both in dresses or not. Are they both carrying bouquets? Are there veils involved?
Bride to be and I have talked about what our day is a fair bit. We see our day as a fairly traditional day (I'm wearing a white dress, she's wearing a white pants suit, for instance) but we also acknowledge that we don't have to do everything cookie-cutter style. Not that brides and grooms have to do everything cookie-cutter style, of course, but many do, because that's what a wedding is.
When my older sister got married, I saw her as a bit of an off-beat bride. She wore a black and white dress, the bridesmaids wore black, they had music that was a little bit dark and so on. But ultimately, she still followed the rules - speeches, bouquet toss and so on. She says now that if she had her time over she would do away with a lot of the rules that even she felt she had to follow... like seating charts and bouquets.
What makes a wedding a wedding? What makes a commitment ceremony a wedding? At the end of the day, Bride to be and I want people to recognise our union, support it (though most do already), and understand it a little better.
We won't be legally married, but in our eyes, our union will mean the same, and ideally our guests will also believe that. We had to be careful therefore not to throw away too many of the traditional wedding traditions, because we do want our guests to recognise that our day is similar to that of a marriage... and marriages tend to start with
(1) a ceremony
and finish with
(2) a party
The ceremony and the party tend to follow a structure...
Groom waits down the front, bride walks down the aisle. Nice stories, readings and thoughts are exchanged. Bride & Groom kiss, certificates and rings are exchanged, photos are taken and then there's the party. With speeches, dancing and cake. With guest books and favours and the like.
Hetero couples can toss any aspect of the traditions out the window, but a wedding day will still be a wedding day....
I read something about gay weddings which said that often gay couples are creating a day from scratch, and not thinking about what their best friend or sister or cousin did. We've never been to a commitment ceremony, but we've been to many weddings. We want our day to resemble a wedding, but ultimately our day is about us. Oh, and we want people to have fun... lots of fun...
We're known for having parties, though. We have plenty of fun parties, and plenty of opportunities to have even more parties. So while our day is "fun" and a "party", for us, the symbolism of the day is more important.
So with our goal in mind of people seeing us as a married couple, we've created a day that resembles a wedding, but mostly resembles us. We're keeping some traditions, and tossing some.
Firstly, we're both doing an aisle walk. We'll be staying in the same hotel the night before, but plan not to see one another before hand. Who knows - in a small hotel, in a small beachside location, we're bound to get a glimpse of one another before our aisle walks. Our intention is that Bride will walk first and wait for me down the front. I will then do an aisle walk.
Our ceremony isn't following any set structure. Our celebrant is creating it from scratch for us. The ceremony is about us, and we're not using any published readings or prayers. Unlike my first wedding where I had about six friends and cousins say a short reading, the only people that will be speaking at our wedding will be the celebrant, and my fiancee and me. We will sign a certificate despite the fact it won't be a "marriage" certificate. We will kiss, even though my little nephew has said he'll have to look away because it's two girls (ewww!). And then we'll have photos by the beach while our guests mingle.
Our reception will follow a set structure, with speeches and the like, but we've decided to scatter speeches through the night rather than having a bundles of speeches just prior to dessert. For instance, I plan to do my speech straight up first, to welcome all our guests.
We will be doing a bouquet toss, and I will be carrying a bouquet, but the bridesmaids will be carrying parasols which match their dresses. We're using favours, we're having set tables (but not set seats) and there will indeed be cake and dancing.
So all in all, that's us, and that's our day.
So, how to plan a lesbian wedding? That's both easy and hard.
1. Think about things that are important to the two of you. If you're at the VERY early stages of planning - is there a location that means something to you? (We picked our first holiday destination as the place we're marrying at). Who do you want involved? We have an evenly matched bridal party (admittedly all girls) but we didn't need to. How do you wish to celebrate?
2. Think about a traditional wedding day and think about what's important to you in terms of that day. Are there particular traditions that you feel are important? Are there particular traditions that bother you?
3. What are your goals for the day?
This blog was never created as a "how to" guide, but there are plenty of helpful resources on the new. www.soyoureengayged.com is a great site with lots of gay-friendly vendors and photographs, but there are heaps of others a google search will help you with.
All in all, though, I think it's important to remain true to why you're having your day....
* what is a lesbian wedding?
* how does it differ from a hetero wedding, or a gay (boy) wedding?
* does it have to differ at all?
* are there any "how tos" in creating a lesbian wedding that a web site like theknot.com couldn't provide (just change the gender when you're reading it).
Of course, I often seek out gay wedding sites... I love seeing pictures of two gals or two guys making that committed leap. I love seeing if the girls are both in dresses or not. Are they both carrying bouquets? Are there veils involved?
Bride to be and I have talked about what our day is a fair bit. We see our day as a fairly traditional day (I'm wearing a white dress, she's wearing a white pants suit, for instance) but we also acknowledge that we don't have to do everything cookie-cutter style. Not that brides and grooms have to do everything cookie-cutter style, of course, but many do, because that's what a wedding is.
When my older sister got married, I saw her as a bit of an off-beat bride. She wore a black and white dress, the bridesmaids wore black, they had music that was a little bit dark and so on. But ultimately, she still followed the rules - speeches, bouquet toss and so on. She says now that if she had her time over she would do away with a lot of the rules that even she felt she had to follow... like seating charts and bouquets.
What makes a wedding a wedding? What makes a commitment ceremony a wedding? At the end of the day, Bride to be and I want people to recognise our union, support it (though most do already), and understand it a little better.
We won't be legally married, but in our eyes, our union will mean the same, and ideally our guests will also believe that. We had to be careful therefore not to throw away too many of the traditional wedding traditions, because we do want our guests to recognise that our day is similar to that of a marriage... and marriages tend to start with
(1) a ceremony
and finish with
(2) a party
The ceremony and the party tend to follow a structure...
Groom waits down the front, bride walks down the aisle. Nice stories, readings and thoughts are exchanged. Bride & Groom kiss, certificates and rings are exchanged, photos are taken and then there's the party. With speeches, dancing and cake. With guest books and favours and the like.
Hetero couples can toss any aspect of the traditions out the window, but a wedding day will still be a wedding day....
I read something about gay weddings which said that often gay couples are creating a day from scratch, and not thinking about what their best friend or sister or cousin did. We've never been to a commitment ceremony, but we've been to many weddings. We want our day to resemble a wedding, but ultimately our day is about us. Oh, and we want people to have fun... lots of fun...
We're known for having parties, though. We have plenty of fun parties, and plenty of opportunities to have even more parties. So while our day is "fun" and a "party", for us, the symbolism of the day is more important.
So with our goal in mind of people seeing us as a married couple, we've created a day that resembles a wedding, but mostly resembles us. We're keeping some traditions, and tossing some.
Firstly, we're both doing an aisle walk. We'll be staying in the same hotel the night before, but plan not to see one another before hand. Who knows - in a small hotel, in a small beachside location, we're bound to get a glimpse of one another before our aisle walks. Our intention is that Bride will walk first and wait for me down the front. I will then do an aisle walk.
Our ceremony isn't following any set structure. Our celebrant is creating it from scratch for us. The ceremony is about us, and we're not using any published readings or prayers. Unlike my first wedding where I had about six friends and cousins say a short reading, the only people that will be speaking at our wedding will be the celebrant, and my fiancee and me. We will sign a certificate despite the fact it won't be a "marriage" certificate. We will kiss, even though my little nephew has said he'll have to look away because it's two girls (ewww!). And then we'll have photos by the beach while our guests mingle.
Our reception will follow a set structure, with speeches and the like, but we've decided to scatter speeches through the night rather than having a bundles of speeches just prior to dessert. For instance, I plan to do my speech straight up first, to welcome all our guests.
We will be doing a bouquet toss, and I will be carrying a bouquet, but the bridesmaids will be carrying parasols which match their dresses. We're using favours, we're having set tables (but not set seats) and there will indeed be cake and dancing.
So all in all, that's us, and that's our day.
So, how to plan a lesbian wedding? That's both easy and hard.
1. Think about things that are important to the two of you. If you're at the VERY early stages of planning - is there a location that means something to you? (We picked our first holiday destination as the place we're marrying at). Who do you want involved? We have an evenly matched bridal party (admittedly all girls) but we didn't need to. How do you wish to celebrate?
2. Think about a traditional wedding day and think about what's important to you in terms of that day. Are there particular traditions that you feel are important? Are there particular traditions that bother you?
3. What are your goals for the day?
This blog was never created as a "how to" guide, but there are plenty of helpful resources on the new. www.soyoureengayged.com is a great site with lots of gay-friendly vendors and photographs, but there are heaps of others a google search will help you with.
All in all, though, I think it's important to remain true to why you're having your day....
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Burlesque. The show for lesbians?
I recommended a Burlesque show I'd heard about to my girl. Two lesbians watching sexy women dancing, what could be more perfect than that?! Turns out my bride isn't so into the sexy women dancing thing, and it struck me that just because we're both gay, it might not make sense that we partake in semi-naked-lady watching together. It would make my girl uncomfortable. Now I should point out that I'm aware that Burlesque isn't the same as stripping, and it's not erotic so much as artistic... but Bride-to-be is unsure about how much nudity would be in a Burlesque show, so we have to investigate it more.
I think it's an ideal show for women, really. Not too much nudity, a bit of a story, but fabulous outfits, music and so on. Classier than a strip show, but still sexy. Of course, I may not be the right person to form an opinion, as I do like the naked (and semi-naked) ladies...
I've always appreciated the naked female form. Before I was married (to a man, mind you) before I was ever out (even to myself), I used to go to strip clubs and watch sexy women dance to trashy music. I even partook in a couple of private dances. I didn't understand why I was "straight" but wanted to watch naked women. It should have been a clue, but then again, so should the magazine purchases I made for my husband on our honeymoon as a gift! In contrast, my girlfriend has never been to a strip club, even though she's Gold Star. She finds it pervy and uncomfortable.
Just after I came out, I went to a strip club to celebrate my coming out. I was already dating my girl, but away for a girl's weekend (no partners) when I asked a bi friend if she wanted to come with me. Being out, I felt it was suddenly ok to look at naked women, where pre-coming out, I felt guilty and like a pervert.
My girl is gorgeous and I don't need naked dancers or models in my life, but sometimes it's a bit of fun. I considered it for our Bachelorette party, but my girl is uncomfortable with that and I don't want to make her uncomfortable.
Anyway, it got me thinking... are you into this kind of thing, or do you think it's pervy and degrading? Or are you simply uncomfortable sitting watching women naked? Is it something you'd feel comfortable doing with a partner... or not? Are you going to stop reading my blog now I've admitted to being a big 'ol pervert? And any other comments welcome!
I think it's an ideal show for women, really. Not too much nudity, a bit of a story, but fabulous outfits, music and so on. Classier than a strip show, but still sexy. Of course, I may not be the right person to form an opinion, as I do like the naked (and semi-naked) ladies...
I've always appreciated the naked female form. Before I was married (to a man, mind you) before I was ever out (even to myself), I used to go to strip clubs and watch sexy women dance to trashy music. I even partook in a couple of private dances. I didn't understand why I was "straight" but wanted to watch naked women. It should have been a clue, but then again, so should the magazine purchases I made for my husband on our honeymoon as a gift! In contrast, my girlfriend has never been to a strip club, even though she's Gold Star. She finds it pervy and uncomfortable.
Just after I came out, I went to a strip club to celebrate my coming out. I was already dating my girl, but away for a girl's weekend (no partners) when I asked a bi friend if she wanted to come with me. Being out, I felt it was suddenly ok to look at naked women, where pre-coming out, I felt guilty and like a pervert.
My girl is gorgeous and I don't need naked dancers or models in my life, but sometimes it's a bit of fun. I considered it for our Bachelorette party, but my girl is uncomfortable with that and I don't want to make her uncomfortable.
Anyway, it got me thinking... are you into this kind of thing, or do you think it's pervy and degrading? Or are you simply uncomfortable sitting watching women naked? Is it something you'd feel comfortable doing with a partner... or not? Are you going to stop reading my blog now I've admitted to being a big 'ol pervert? And any other comments welcome!
Friday, June 26, 2009
My second coming out
I've said before that growing up I thought "I'm not going to have kids.... but if I was a guy, I would".
And then I put it out of my mind completely. Told everyone I wasn't into kids. Believed that kids and I just didn't mix. But I know I really want children now, and it feels like a second coming out, as I tell people that "yes, that's what I said before, but now..." It's not that I was lying, it was that I convinced myself it was something I believed.
It feels SO normal, now that I'm with my girl. The thought that we'll have a family together seems right. We could have "our family" - the two of us, a child or two. The other day I went to a work morning tea, and the boss introduced a new staff member. Talked about his wonderful career, his wife, his kids. And I thought "one day that could be me getting introduced in a new workplace. Me, my wife, my kids". The irony is society accepts it less, but for me, it makes more sense to me than me with a bloke. I didn't think of me and my ex as a family, but already I think of Bride-to-be and me as a family. Maybe because I can picture myself in the situation of the "supportive and loving husband" but not so much in the "maternal and loving wife" scenario.
Then I chatted to a colleague and he was talking about his kids, and then he asked what was new with me, and I wanted to say "I want to have children" but I figure you don't say that stuff till one of you is pregnant, at least. I always thought all those women that walked around discussing how they wanted kids were a bit pathetic, and now I'm (kind of) one of them. It's like when I knew I wanted to be with women, but didn't tell people because I figured there was no point when I was single. People don't walk around saying "I'm heterosexual", you know, so why would I tell everyone?
But that's that. I want to have children. That's pretty huge for me to say.
And then I put it out of my mind completely. Told everyone I wasn't into kids. Believed that kids and I just didn't mix. But I know I really want children now, and it feels like a second coming out, as I tell people that "yes, that's what I said before, but now..." It's not that I was lying, it was that I convinced myself it was something I believed.
It feels SO normal, now that I'm with my girl. The thought that we'll have a family together seems right. We could have "our family" - the two of us, a child or two. The other day I went to a work morning tea, and the boss introduced a new staff member. Talked about his wonderful career, his wife, his kids. And I thought "one day that could be me getting introduced in a new workplace. Me, my wife, my kids". The irony is society accepts it less, but for me, it makes more sense to me than me with a bloke. I didn't think of me and my ex as a family, but already I think of Bride-to-be and me as a family. Maybe because I can picture myself in the situation of the "supportive and loving husband" but not so much in the "maternal and loving wife" scenario.
Then I chatted to a colleague and he was talking about his kids, and then he asked what was new with me, and I wanted to say "I want to have children" but I figure you don't say that stuff till one of you is pregnant, at least. I always thought all those women that walked around discussing how they wanted kids were a bit pathetic, and now I'm (kind of) one of them. It's like when I knew I wanted to be with women, but didn't tell people because I figured there was no point when I was single. People don't walk around saying "I'm heterosexual", you know, so why would I tell everyone?
But that's that. I want to have children. That's pretty huge for me to say.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
He/ She/ Gender
Before I went to China, I'd told my girl that I might have to represent her as a guy when over there. She was okay with that, but I said I felt like it was a deception of some way. "You're there for professional reasons," she said, "do what you have to do". I'm out with nearly everyone I work with. They're all cool with it.... but travelling overseas means I have to think about local cultures.
When you meet someone in China, they always end up asking if you have a partner. It's one of those things. Or rather, whether you have a boyfriend or husband. I have neither, but I also know that being gay isn't so well accepted over there. Of course there are gay people, but they're quiet about it, because society isn't so accepting. So when I'm asked that question, I either answer "yes, I do have a partner" or "I'm getting married at the end of the year". For many conversations, that's sufficient. For others, they then want to know "what does he do for a living" and so on. Then you build this whole conversation around "him" and it occurs to me that using that male pronoun for my girl just doesn't seem right. Gender says so much. And yet, it also really doesn't.
Either way, talking about "him" reminded me of my past and just didn't feel right.
I went to dinner with one woman who talked of her marriage. She said that until she met her husband she never imagined she could be this happy with someone. She thought that though there were good relationships out there, she wasn't destined to have one. That's exactly how I felt, and I agreed with her, and we were both silent for a while, happily thinking of the people that we love back at home.
She broke the silence, "so he's wonderful then, your boyfriend? What makes him different to your ex?" For starters, the fact that she is not a he! But I had to continue the deception at this point. I hate deception of all kinds, and hate to be deceived, so I felt so guilty after this conversation, which was in fact a beautiful conversation... if only we could get around the gender issue.
I know there are a lot of gay and lesbian people that never come out, and I think that's sad. It's for their own reasons, so I'm not judging, but I know how happy I felt after I did. And since then, I've seen friends come out, and they seem so much more at peace with their lives once they do. Two weeks in China was another reminder to me about the importance of this... but also how the pronouns "he" or "she" seem to say so much.
A blog post I recently read said we need a gender neutral term. For males, females, transgendered people. Perhaps. I'm not sure where I stand on that issue so much as wishing I could talk of my "girlfriend" as freely as others talk of their "boyfriend" - in all cultures, and all settings.
This week, in dealing with the medical profession, I've been pleased with how accepting they were of my female partner. "My partner, can she go to work?" I asked. And rather than clarifying, like most people do ("do you mean he or do you actually mean she?") the nurse simply said, "Oh yes, she'll be okay" and talked about her. "What's his name?" another nurse asked. "It's actually a she," I said. "I'm sorry," the nurse replied. "I shouldn't presume". I don't have any issues with people presuming - let's face it, gay people are the minority, so for me, as long as it's accepted, I'm fine.
A co-worker in China guessed, which surprised me. We talked of my upcoming wedding and she asked me if it was legal. "For what?" I inquired. "For two women to marry?" I had to explain it wasn't. Later a guy asked me if I had a boyfriend. I turned to her and asked her if I should tell them. "No," she said, and told the guy that I did indeed have a boyfriend. She told me it just wouldn't be accepted.
So there's a lesson to us all... not just about coming out but about being upfront. As for me, I can't say I won't do it again, overseas, but here, from now on, I'll have no toying around the partner word.
When you meet someone in China, they always end up asking if you have a partner. It's one of those things. Or rather, whether you have a boyfriend or husband. I have neither, but I also know that being gay isn't so well accepted over there. Of course there are gay people, but they're quiet about it, because society isn't so accepting. So when I'm asked that question, I either answer "yes, I do have a partner" or "I'm getting married at the end of the year". For many conversations, that's sufficient. For others, they then want to know "what does he do for a living" and so on. Then you build this whole conversation around "him" and it occurs to me that using that male pronoun for my girl just doesn't seem right. Gender says so much. And yet, it also really doesn't.
Either way, talking about "him" reminded me of my past and just didn't feel right.
I went to dinner with one woman who talked of her marriage. She said that until she met her husband she never imagined she could be this happy with someone. She thought that though there were good relationships out there, she wasn't destined to have one. That's exactly how I felt, and I agreed with her, and we were both silent for a while, happily thinking of the people that we love back at home.
She broke the silence, "so he's wonderful then, your boyfriend? What makes him different to your ex?" For starters, the fact that she is not a he! But I had to continue the deception at this point. I hate deception of all kinds, and hate to be deceived, so I felt so guilty after this conversation, which was in fact a beautiful conversation... if only we could get around the gender issue.
I know there are a lot of gay and lesbian people that never come out, and I think that's sad. It's for their own reasons, so I'm not judging, but I know how happy I felt after I did. And since then, I've seen friends come out, and they seem so much more at peace with their lives once they do. Two weeks in China was another reminder to me about the importance of this... but also how the pronouns "he" or "she" seem to say so much.
A blog post I recently read said we need a gender neutral term. For males, females, transgendered people. Perhaps. I'm not sure where I stand on that issue so much as wishing I could talk of my "girlfriend" as freely as others talk of their "boyfriend" - in all cultures, and all settings.
This week, in dealing with the medical profession, I've been pleased with how accepting they were of my female partner. "My partner, can she go to work?" I asked. And rather than clarifying, like most people do ("do you mean he or do you actually mean she?") the nurse simply said, "Oh yes, she'll be okay" and talked about her. "What's his name?" another nurse asked. "It's actually a she," I said. "I'm sorry," the nurse replied. "I shouldn't presume". I don't have any issues with people presuming - let's face it, gay people are the minority, so for me, as long as it's accepted, I'm fine.
A co-worker in China guessed, which surprised me. We talked of my upcoming wedding and she asked me if it was legal. "For what?" I inquired. "For two women to marry?" I had to explain it wasn't. Later a guy asked me if I had a boyfriend. I turned to her and asked her if I should tell them. "No," she said, and told the guy that I did indeed have a boyfriend. She told me it just wouldn't be accepted.
So there's a lesson to us all... not just about coming out but about being upfront. As for me, I can't say I won't do it again, overseas, but here, from now on, I'll have no toying around the partner word.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Made in China
I haven't blogged because I've been in China for a couple of weeks, and haven't had an opportunity to blog.
I have so much exciting wedding news though, so hopefully tomorrow I'll get a chance to write a long blog post.
In the meantime, I just wanted to say that I got my fiancee's wedding suit made in China by a tailor. I took an outfit she liked the look of over, picked the fabrics, and suddenly we have a rather big task crossed off our to do list - at the most amazing price. I'm so excited and so is she!
But that's not the only exciting wedding stuff we did... so more to come... soon!
I have so much exciting wedding news though, so hopefully tomorrow I'll get a chance to write a long blog post.
In the meantime, I just wanted to say that I got my fiancee's wedding suit made in China by a tailor. I took an outfit she liked the look of over, picked the fabrics, and suddenly we have a rather big task crossed off our to do list - at the most amazing price. I'm so excited and so is she!
But that's not the only exciting wedding stuff we did... so more to come... soon!
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