Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Square peg, round hole

On a recent post, Desaray mentioned that she likes reading the differences between my former "hetero" life and my current gay lifestyle in this blog. When I first joined the lesbian community, I promised myself I'd try to avoid mentioning I was once married to a man as much as possible in case people judged me. Now days, I realise how silly that is and that by mentioning it, I might actually help some women who are questioning themselves. A lot of lesbians were once with men - it makes me no less a lesbian than those that knew from the early days and were never with men.

As a result, this post is less about me as a lesbian and more about me learning about men chasing women.... apologies for those of you who've stumbled across my blog and want to read about the gay gay gay stuff.... scroll down! :-D

Anyway... I do regret the time I spent with men because I think there were obvious clues before I started dating men and I think I could have spent a lot more time exploring my sexuality instead. I must confess I even became a bit "boy-mad" for a while - at least that was the reputation in my family. Once guys started paying me attention, I lapped it up... but I'm just that kind of person. I do happen to like attention. More than that, I know what I find sexy in a girl, and I went with that. Guys used to say all the time "you know what the guys want". Yes, because I wanted it too!

I often think back to the clues, and there are many. Some are embarrassing, or perverted. Some just show my tom-boy and hidden butch side (I'm a femme on the outside, but I think I'm quite masculine on the inside).

I still remember the first time a boy hit on me. Or at least, the first time I realised it. These days I'm overweight and not at all self-obsessed, but as a teenager I was quite stunning - tall, slim and so on (I realise that's quite egotistical to say, but I think talking of the past, it's okay). Basically my point is that I was never short of male attention. I always hung out with the guys, but it was about 14 when I realised they felt differently. I didn't.

I was 14 when I was swimming in a lake with my family. Always one to test my limits, I started swimming across the lake, proud of the fact that I was so independent. I was lying on my back in the water when a boy, a little older than me, came over and asked me about my holiday, and whether I'd like to hang out with him. Normally hanging out with the boys came naturally, but it occured to me by the way he was leering at me that he wasn't interested in skipping rocks or swimming together. I had absolutely not interest in boys, didn't find them attractive at all, and politely decline and swam back to my sister, who teased me about the boy who hit on me. It was like my innocence had suddenly smashed into little pieces, because that leer was something I noticed for years to come. Boys had changed, and were interested in me. My sister encouraged me to pick a guy to have my first kiss with. The idea of kissing a boy had never occured to me, and as I mulled it over, I decided I didn't want to do it.... but then friends of mine started kissing boys, and it seemed like the thing to do if you weren't prudish.

So when I was 15 a boy lunged at me with his mouth, and I let him. I figured it was time. It wouldn't be til I was 19 that I first kissed a girl - actively persuing a girl on a dance floor.

There were plenty of clues I was into girls prior to that, and plenty of clues after that, and one day I'll write about them... but I got my first boyfriend at 15 and was with him on and off for years. During that time I kissed plenty of girls and knew I was definitely into women (bi?), but figured that given the choice, I may as well be with men and have all those hetero prilvedges. I finally married and was married for five years, separated by the time by 30th birthday party rolled around.

It never felt right. I never once relaxed into that marriage. I was always trying to understand what I needed to do as a wife, and how we should interact. I felt more like best friends than lovers, but not in a good way. We had sex, but... there was something missing. A connection.

And now... I don't question my connection with my girl. I analyse by nature, so of course I analyse parts of our relationship to see what we could improve, or where we work really well, but that's just me. But I'm happy, content, and it feels natural. More natural than when I tried to fit into the hetero world. That never came naturally to me. It hurts to think I didn't listen to myself more carefully, didn't analyse my feelings more deeply, didn't pay attention to those niggling doubts. All I can say is that at least I did it... that at least one day I woke up and realised I'd tried to force myself into the hetero world and didn't fit, and I could remedy that.

And I have, and it feels ... right.


  1. beautifully honest post....I am so glad you found the love of your life!

  2. Thank you.
    Meanwhile, your art is amazing!