Bridezilla returns

I'm an incredibly calm bride. And before you go telling me it's because it's my second wedding - shut it! A bride to be I work with reckons I'm only calm because my wedding isn't legal. I gave her the filthiest look and explained that we're still in the limelight, still catering for many people, still organising all the stuff the legal wedding requires. Oh, and there's the fact that some people find it weird, which could even make it more stressful. I also explained that this is my second wedding and my first WAS legal and I wasn't Bridezilla then. So that shut her up. Biatch!

Anyway, I digress.

I've had one Bridezilla moment. Unless you count the underpants tantrum which will be blogged about in the next couple of days. I'm digressing again... I've had one real Bridezilla moment, and that was on Friday. The invitations had arrived in the one hour I was out of the house, and the courier left a voucher saying we had to rearrange delivery. I wanted them on Friday, dammit. So I rung the company, got nowhere, rang again, got nowhere, rang a third time and told the guy I wasn't impressed that it was my parcel and I made up some reason for needing it (a lie). The guy said that the truck had to return to the depot and I could have the parcel on Monday. Monday?! Three whole days away?!

C suggested we stalk the parcel at the depot, so I texted a friend who used to work for the courier company for advice and he told us to just go there. So we arrived, planning to sit there for an hour if we had to wait for the truck to return. But we got the parcel immediately. Took it home, opened it and Bridezilla was calm. Hopefully not to return again.

So now we have the invitations ready to go. We wrote our guest list out again. Local people on one page, non-local people on the other. And we decided to personally deliver a few of the local ones - to people we knew would be home. The feedback was so positive!

The rest are going in the mail. They're about a month early, assuming we send them out this week. We figure that's okay, given the time of year (just before Christmas) and the fact that every guest needs to travel if they're coming.

It was really hard for me deciding the invitation list.

I've mentioned before the changes in some of my friendships this year. I was really torn between whether to invite some people or not. Friends who haven't really been supportive of my relationship. They haven't even supported me over the past 18 months or so when I was going through a major crisis with that friend that I had to cut all ties with. I don't want to offend them by not inviting them, but I also don't see the point in having people there who couldn't honestly say "I'm happy for them". I asked C to decide, but she refused, and told me I had to make this decision on my own... she listened to me outline pros and cons, she listened to me come to a decision, and change it many times, but she's trying very hard to avoid telling me whether she feels they should be invited or not.

We're having a small wedding, but the numbers aren't small. We both have big families and we have friends we want there. By small I guess we mean intimate. Our ceremony is incredibly personal, our song choices, our speeches. Everything we're doing is about us. I don't want anyone there who is likely to roll their eyes at any of this.

I do have a couple of family members I'm worried about, but they've chosen to come and I actually think they'll come out of this with a greater understanding about what a same-sex relationship is all about. They'll understand that we're IN LOVE, not just FRIENDS. They'll understand that our whole relationship isn't simply friendship with sex thrown in. They'll understand that we are a union, partners in every sense of the word. Maybe I'm hoping for too much, but I expect this through our day.

But... in terms of these friends... I don't want to end friendships through not inviting them. I'm ready to defend my decision, and explain my reasons, but unfortunately I don't even think it'll come down to that. I think it'll come down to the fact that they see it as a rejection, and end the friendship completely. The potential threat of that makes me wonder if I should just invite them... but then I think that I'd be more concerned about what I do and say in front of them. I don't want to feel censored on our day. I want to be completely there, with C, with our family and friends.

I'm really struggling. I'm not sure if I'll completely make up my mind til the deadline for sending invitations out in terms of etiquette passes.

Money, Money, Money

I lost 0.7 kilos this week. Which is what... about 1.5 lb? The weight isn't falling off me, but I'm losing on average 1 kilo a week (which is 2.2 lb I think?)

It's not coming off me as quickly as I thought it would, but it's going down each week, and that's a plus. I won't be at "goal" for the wedding, but I'll be a good 10 or 15 kilos lighter (25 - 30ish lb) than I am now, and I think that's ok. I should be at goal by the time C's sister's wedding rolls around in March, so I can wow the family at that and wear a smoking dress.

I'm proud of this weight loss, and it's probably better if it comes of slowly. At least, that's what they tell me. (I have lost 3 kilos a week before - back when I lost weight for my first wedding, I was losing about 20 lb a month for a couple of months til I got to goal! That was serious low carb though).

Last night, C and I had an argument. We normally get on so well, and are so calm, and talk things through. I always get really shaken by a fight. It was pretty horrible.

We were fighting over money, of all things, which is so crazy, because in the grand scheme of things we're doing pretty well financially. We have half the wedding paid for, and I'm due to earn the other half in the next couple of months (I get bonus pays ever so often). But then I'm of the opinion that everything works out in the end, financially.

C manages our money, and sends me a weekly account of everything that came in and everything that went out. She stresses about money, where as I'm more laid back. So I was chatting to one of my sisters and organised a night away in Sydney - in a hotel, etc. She was shocked I did it without consulting her. The way I saw it is that I have to go to Sydney for work. I normally got there and back in a day. I don't need a hotel room, but it'd be more fun if my sister came and we spent a night there. C gets pretty frustrated because I travel quite a bit for work, so she has more alone time then she'd normally choose... and then I opt to go away with family every now and again.

But I said "My family is interstate. It DOES take time and money for me to see them". She gets that... it's just... hard. Sometimes. Most of the time it's not hard. But on top of work travel, I do have to travel to see my family, so I am away more. She's not gone out of town without me in the whole time I've known her, but I've spent a fair bit of time apart from her. I guess it looks like sometimes I'm CHOOSING to be away from her, but I'm not.

So the argument got pretty heated and then we both apologised and said we wanted to work through things. She wants me to be more considerate in terms of spending money, and chat to her first. I want her to be more understanding in terms of me travelling to see my family. We ended up chatting about things and I think things are okay.

I'm still not 100% sure whether the argument was money related, time related or both. Don't they say the biggest stress in a marriage is money?

To do, or not to do...

I mentioned in my last post that we'd finalised the invitations - this is the video invitation and I have to say it ROCKS.

It's a secret. We haven't told anyone, which is unusual for me. Wait... we haven't told anyone but all of you. C's family were over the other night, and we'd just finished it. It was sitting in the DVD player, and I was thinking "I wish we could show them". Apparently C was too! But as we hadn't discussed it, neither of us suggested it, so after they went home we thought it was a shame... but now I'm excited. When they receive them in the mail, they'll see them for the first time.

C's little sister is getting married a few months after us, and wanted to get her invitations printed at the same place we are. We had to explain that she couldn't do that, and she didn't really understand why. Because we're not printing them, we explained. She didn't get that. How can you not print wedding invitations?

I also have some decisions to make...

A couple of years ago, I belonged to a "group" of friends. I pretty much manufactured the group myself by hosting a bundle of functions and soon enough we were a close knit group of eight. They thought I was bi, but when I came out as gay, I have several different reactions. I actually kissed one of the girls in the group. She was the supportive one! There was one single straight guy in the group and at one point I'd asked him out. He'd declined (thankfully) and we remained very close friends. Till I met C. You see I'd never really been a good girlfriend... even when I was married to my ex, I wasn't really devoted to him. Friends and family came first, and I think the single straight guy figured we could stay single forever and be "mates". He has pretty much decided to be single forever, and he knew I was dating, but I don't think he realised how hard I could fall. So when I did, he couldn't handle it. Started sending C some horrible messages, wouldn't pay me money he owed, said horrible, demeaning things about me, and it was so much drama that after six months and some counselling, I ended the friendship. I miss him, some parts of him, of course, but I haven't looked back. I'm happy, and I don't need that drama in my life.

There was a time that I thought he'd be my Best Man. Now he won't even be at the wedding.

The supportive girl and her partner will be there - C and I are friends with them both. In fact, that girl is easily one of my closest friends.

That leaves four others. Four others who were very supportive to my guy friend and less supportive to me when I ended the friendship. But time has passed, and from time to time I socialise with them. It's nothing like what it was before, but I've moved on. I was very hurt at the time, but now they mean less to me than they did then, so I'm no longer hurt my it. I'm not in a position anymore where they're so important to me.

At the moment I have invitations getting made for them. I'm just not sure if I'll send them. Part of me wants them there, and part of me doesn't. I know our ceremony and speeches will be emotional and intimate. I don't know how much of that I want to share with these people, but then I also think they need to realise how intense my feelings are, and how mutual C's are....

I think many of them are convinced I just can't find the right man. The fact that I asked our mutual friend out convinces them that I'm into guys. At the time I came out, I tried hard to convince them that I had come to the realisation that I was definitely gay- not that it matters anyway. That's what I realised after trying hard to assure them about my sexuality... it didn't matter in the end. I know that what I'm feeling now is something I haven't felt before, so it doesn't matter what people on the outside think. I'm thrilled that my parents and sisters support me, and see that this isn't some kind of phase I'm going through. I'm just not certain why my friends struggled with it so much. And therefore, I don't know whether to have them there or not on our special day.

European honeymoon

We booked a honeymoon to Europe a couple of months ago. We're planning on spending time in England, France and Switzerland. I'm particularly excited, because although I travel quite frequently, it's mostly to Asia. A bit of New Zealand and The US thrown in the mix... but I haven't been to Europe since I was 21. That's 12 years ago now (Agh!)

I've mentioned before that C hails from England. We're investigating how easy it is for the two of us to marry legally over there - gay marriage is legal over there, and we figured it would be lovely to legally marry in my girl's home country, but time will tell. We'll be visiting family but also having time to ourselves. We're aiming for a 50/50 mix of hotels vs. family visits.

So imagine my surprise when I've been given the chance to do some work while I'm in England at the same time as our honeymoon is booked. I can have a small amount of our accommodation/ internal travel/ food etc paid for. Though it's work related, the work wouldn't detract us too much from having fun. The question is... do we take the work money and have it contribute toward our honeymoon, or do I not work at all?

I was inclined to not work, but we see it as an opportunity to go to a different part of England... and me get some work done, so my whole trip isn't considered holiday leave. I think we might end up doing it.

On another note... I posted the order for the invitations today, so they're getting made as we speak. Our favours are also being sorted as we speak (more on that later). Finally, I booked a videographer! I was going back and forth on whether to hire a professional video person, and then they contacted me to say there was a special on. I booked it then and there.

Friendship is a wonderful thing

In our endeavour to get fit and healthy, C and I purchased a weights set. I'm talking a pretty huge home gym with four stations. We bought it second-hand, just as we did our exercise bike. Both times we got pretty solid equipment for the price you'd buy shaky equipment brand new. A lot of people invest in solid gym equipment and then realise they're just not using it.

When we first got together, my partner C and I would do loads of things with her best mate (The Guy). At first I thought The Guy was kind of daggy, and sometimes a bit of a drama queen, but I quickly learnt what C sees in The Guy. He's so kind and considerate - would do anything for either of us, and really respected our relationship, giving us ample time alone.

After The Guy started a new long distance relationship, we saw less of him. We made new friends, so tended to catch up at big group events more than just the three or four of us hanging out. C and The Guy are similar and I was the different one in our little group. But as soon as I met The Guy's boyfriend, A, I knew I suddenly had someone in our group that was similar to me. A moved down here a few months ago to live with The Guy.

A and I get on like a house on fire. C and The Guy get on like a house on fire. The four of us laugh lots, tease each other, and help each other out of tough situations...

So we squeezed the home gym into the trailer and got it home. We had asked the boys to come over and help us put it together. By the time they'd arrived, I'd managed to move half of it out of the trailer and into position (C's bad back meant she could guide and direct me but not lift much of it... very frustrating for a strong chick).

A asked who we hired the trailer off. The Guy said "It's C's".
A looked confused. "C has a trailer? That's a little... odd... for a girl?"
The Guy laughed and said "you don't know C very well!"

When A saw all of C's tools, he was even more amazed.

They unloaded the other half for us, and put it all together, except for the weight stacks. C and I put the weight stacks together yesterday, but soon realised we had to pull the WHOLE thing apart to put it back together. I was amazed at how logical I was with the whole thing and how I could see what needed to get done. C is amazing with a toolset, of course, but I shocked myself at how good I'm getting, simply by hanging around her and watching her do all the work she's done around the house. I might get my own toolbelt some day! (Actually, I much prefer sitting back and watching a woman in a toolbelt!)

Anyway, the boys invited us to a gay lounge bar on Sunday afternoon for a drink, and to listen to some live music. Just the four of us... So after putting the gym together and scoffing down some lunch, we got ready to meet the boys. Relaxing and entertaining. A went outside, and I followed having a D&M with him, while The Guy and C stayed inside, having a D&M. Loads of lesbians, not so many gay guys out, but it was a great afternoon just listening to a fantastic band (headed up by a hot lesbian signer).

It occured to me at the bar.... It's just so easy with A. We have no interest in one another (of course!), no need to impress each other, our friendship is real. He challenges me, too, which is important in friendship... but he doesn't judge. I've always liked a friend I can debate issues with, but not feel like everything I do is under scrutiny... and he seems to have a good balance of that. It's exactly what C and The Guy have.

It suddenly clicked that this is what friendship is all about. I have a couple of friends like this - real, genuine friendships where the trust is evident and we can talk about things that really matter without fear of being judged. It's funny though because for so long I'd never had these kinds of connections, instead having that with just my partner (before now my partners were all male and were more best friends than partners).... I guess this is something for another post, but now I see friendship differently now that I've come out. Somehow it's easier now than it was before to put people into the appropriate categories of friend vs. partner.

A and I are meeting for lunch soon, just the two of us. We've done it a few times before, but then work got crazy and A started his new job, so we just haven't done it in a while. I'm really looking forward to catching up one on one.

Perhaps the funniest part of the catch up was when my chair fell from under me. I fell onto my bum, knocking the glass coffee table over, along with 10 glasses and a glass bottle of water.

Amazingly I only broke one glass, but the band stopped singing and mentioned it over the microphone and every single person turned to look at me. C asked if I'd hurt anything.

"Just my pride" I said as everyone laughed.

My first girlfriend

My girl, C, has been out forever. Gold Star. Most of you know I was married before to a guy.

The other night we went to dinner with a couple. I'll call them Jamie and Beth. Like C, Jamie has been out "forever" and Beth was also married to a bloke and has only been out over the past few years.

So we were talking about gay people, and a particular friend who isn't a lesbian and we're not sure if she considers herself bisexual or something else (having dated one woman).

"She might be pansexual" I said.
C and Jamie looked at me, completely confused.
"Panwhat?" Jamie asked me.
"Pansexual," Beth confirmed. "You know, you fall in love with the person, not the gender?"
C and Jamie shook their heads and grinned at us.
For two newbies, we seem to know so much about the lesbian culture that our Gold Star partners aren't aware of. Perhaps because we read lots, or perhaps because the culture has changed over the years.

I read so much about lesbian culture as I was coming out, learning "how to be" a lesbian and fit into the culture. C and I often talk about the sheer amount of research one of her exes did, and how I was similar. On the other hand, she just started dating girls.

I was just reading Sasha's post How To Be A Lesbian and thought the advice was good - make friends and realise that the LGBT community isn't scary. I read lots, I made friends, and finally I felt comfortable enough to say "yes, I am gay". Like the author of that post, it took me a while to move from the "I'm bi" category to the "I'm gay" category. It wasn't that I was interested in men, it was just that I had dated men for so long that I didn't even know being with women and not men at all was an option for me.

Note I'm saying "for me". I'm not saying I was that naive I didn't realise lesbians existed. I just didn't think that it was an option for me... I believed I had to be with men. I'm not sure why - my feminity? my socialisation? my history? the fact I didn't listen to myself?

I don't have any regrets. My mum was very supportive, but slightly concerned I might realise that I wasn't gay after coming out to everyone and regret it. Of course, that didn't happen. Instead my only regret was that I didn't come out earlier and take advantage of dating loads of women. As C says, however, I met her at the right time. I'm marrying my first girlfriend, and being with women has been nothing but positive for me.

Invited

We've talked in great detail about the invitations we want. I have a bit of design know-how, but met with a graphic designer yesterday to have a briefing and get a quote. Without printing, the price is quite high. Reasonable when you consider she's a trained graphic designer, but not reasonable when you consider I know what I'm doing with some graphic products myself. We'd hoped printing would be the most expensive part of our invitations, but it looked like graphic design would be.

So we pondered. And while watching TV last night, I started making a movie, using pictures of the two of us and a small video snippet. A few title pages and suddenly we had a one song invitation on DVD. I showed it to C, who loved it. We have to fix it - change some photos, some transistions, add some new video - but I think this will be our invitation. We'll include the details on the cover so people can take it with them to the venue (and in case some people don't realise it's an invitation!)

Anyone done something like this before? Stories to share? Some you've seen?

I'm also really torn about whether we want a wedding video or not (DVD). I love them, but the cheapest quote we've had is $1300 and we do own a video camera already. I don't know whether to make our own, using our own footage, or get the professionals in. We are having a very personal ceremony, and I don't want to miss a minute of it through the excitement of the day!