It's not black or white.

Reading some of the lesbian wedding blogs I like to read, I found it funny when I logged in and read Deseray's post about Lauren planning her suit . It was funny because I was logging in to post a rather similar story.

B2B and I have been discussing what she's going to wear at our upcoming commitment ceremony for a little while. With a beach ceremony, she'd rather not wear a suit. Of course, she wouldn't be wearing a dress or skirt - she never does, and it wouldn't make sense for her to run about in a dress. Everyone who knew her would think it wasn't her. So pants and a shirt?

She knew she wanted to wear white or ivory and not black. At first I was a bit surprised that she wasn't opting for black, but now it makes sense. It's her wedding day and she's a bride. She won't be in a dress, of course, but she's still a bride. Black tends to be for grooms.

I realised early on I felt slightly uncomfortable about MY clothing for the day, and it's only now I can articulate why. If she's in pants and a shirt, and I had a huge full skirt, I'd feel kind of silly. The groom wearing a black suit is automatically in contrast to the bride - we're MEANT to focus on the bride vs. the groom, but when there's two brides... well I kind of feel that a big formal dress would be stealing the limelight from B2B and I don't want that.

I managed to find the most perfect dress for me. It's bridal and it's me, but it's not over the top formal, but this post isn't about my dress, it's about B2B's outfit.

We ducked into the shops on Saturday. She went off to the loo, and I browsed the clothing racks for sale items, hoping to spot a bargain to add to my wardrobe - ever the shopaholic! I didn't find anything for me, but I found several pairs of white pants on the reduced rack. I messaged B2B and told her where to meet me. She doesn't normally shop in the women's section, but I knew she didn't want oversized mens wear for our big day. As she arrived, I thrust four pairs of pants into her hands. She excitedly went to try them on, and one of them was exactly what we wanted, though a little too see-through.

I'm off to China shortly, and there are numerous tailors there. They work best when you give them an item of clothing to copy, so we bought the pants knowing she could wear them as is, OR we could get them made. I knew that she liked Mandarin collars on shirts, so took her past several shirts and jackets. She tried a few on, but none of them felt right - at least, not in the way the pants did.

We went home, and I showed her three of my shirts with Mandarin collars. She tried one on, and fell in love with the shape. So I'll take that with me to China, hoping to get something made. My biggest fear with this one is that it's got little holes and embroidery on it (I know I'll spell this wrong... broidere ainglese). I don't know if the tailors can do it, but she likes it. Then we discussed my fear of being more formal compared to her in a shirt and top, and she is also keen to wear a waistcoat/vest. Again, we rummaged through my wardrobe and found one that fit her well and made her feel comfortable.

Wow. I think we actually have the base of a very nice outfit. My dress is ivory, so we're going to try to get hers made in a slightly different ivory, so it doesn't look too much. Pants, a vest and a lovely shirt. All feminine, but not over the top girly. She'll stand out from the guests because she'll be in ivory and because she'll be glowing like any bride on their big day.

I'm so pleased.

Our great big double wedding

After work yesterday, Bride to be and I went to the shops to pick up the last two bridesmaid dresses. We bought them from a boutique, rather than a bridal outlet. Technically they're cocktail dresses, or something like that. In fact, they're so cute and casual that one of the two saleswomen had one on when we were picking them up! They're well-priced, flattering, in a variety of sizes and perfect for a beach wedding, I reckon.

She said "oh they're beautiful dresses, I love mine."
"They're our bridesmaid dresses," I said proudly. She smiled, but obviously thought I meant that Bride-to-be and I were bridesmaids.
"Oh, lovely, who is getting married?" she asked.
"We are," I smiled, gesturing toward my girl.
"Oh," the woman stumbled with her words, "oh, you're both getting married?"
"Yes," I said, proudly.

Bride-to-be said she thinks the woman was confused. Surely two woman wouldn't be marrying one another, it must be a double wedding! The other saleswoman simply looked...embarrassed.

I don't say it for shock value or attention, or even to make a political statement. I was asked a question, I answered it honestly. I'm excited, I'm proud, and I want to enjoy my engagement by being giggly and excited when I talk to our wedding vendors... because I'm getting married, I'm a bride, and that's the way it should be.

Is it because it's "not a real wedding"?

To us, our wedding day means just as much as any legal ceremony. We're toying with the idea of marrying legally in England, but either way, it won't be recognised here in Australia. So our Australian ceremony is for us, for family and friends, and a celebration of our marriage. Legally, it means nothing. But I know I've said this a few times in the blog already, so I won't harp on about that. What this post is about is about some family reactions that have saddened us.

My bride's sister is getting married a few months after us. Their mother is paying for sister-in-law's dress. (And yes, I'm calling them in-laws even though technically they won't be). So I asked Bride whether her mother was paying for her wedding outfit or not.

Not.

Sister-in-law is younger than my bride, and still lives at home, which might account for the reason that mother-in-law is paying for her dress. But I also had other ideas.

Is it because it's "not a real wedding"?

Or is it because my bride won't be wearing a long, white pouffy dress? Instead, bride-to-be is planning on wearing a pants suit in ivory (think Ellen & Portia's wedding day) while I'll be wearing a dress.

The more heartbreaking thing happened when Bride's grandparents said they wouldn't be making the trip to our wedding, even though they've already committed to sister-in-law's wedding next year (which also requires travelling). My bride was even going to ask her grandfather to walk her down the aisle.

Oh, it's not that any of these people are anti-gay. Bride-to-be has always been "out", and they've never had an issue with it. They're also very supportive of our relationship, and know it's the 'real deal'. They think I'm part of the family and visit us regularly, invite us to things. I just think they can't get their heads around us forking out money for a wedding day when really... it'll mean nothing.

That's where it's hurtful.

How many weddings have I attended over the years that have been MUCH more than the ceremony? If weddings were simply about the legal and/or religious implications, surely we'd have ceremonies in courthouses or Chapels and go straight home. There would be no need for glamorous receptions, pretty dresses, expensive cakes and gifts. All of that is about symbolism and celebration for the couple making a union.

If I could, I would legally marry bride-to-be, but I can't. So why take away a special day that the two of us can share? It's the closest we'll get to having what heterosexuals have - at least in the near future - so why try to pretend it doesn't mean the same thing?

Bride-to-be and I are certain that on the day, guests will feel the energy, the love and the emotion and will realise that it is the same thing. My own mother refused to call it a wedding until recently when she asked about wedding plans. It may take time, but eventually people will come round. I hope so, anyway.

Easter was pretty quiet...

Easter was meant to be spent camping, but instead we spent most of it in bed. Between my ankle injury and Bride-to-be's bad back, we just lay low!

My ankle was quite a lot better, so I drove to a shop, and took Bride-to-Be with me, hobbling along to buy her Easter gift from my family (a TV series DVD which we've since been watching). As we hobbled through the shop - her with her walking stick and me with my compression bandage on my ankle - I said we probably looked like we'd been in an accident together. It's simply bad timing that we were both injured at the same time.

Despite the lack of excitement, Easter Sunday was a good day, ruined only because Bride-to-Be threw out my chocolate bunny! I ate most of a Crunchie bunny throughout the day yesterday. Tidied up a little - she handed me rubbish to put in the bin. Later I looked for my bunny and it turned out she had accidentally thrown it out! (I had the chocolate all piled up in the foil). At least she had one to share with me to make up for it....

All in all we have a lovely time being together - lots of reading and DVD watching, so it didn't matter we missed our camping trip

Picture post

Because a picture says 1000 words...

I think this is the "birdcage veil" I am going to get.

From Etsy.

I also really like the look of this one - probably more - but can't seem to see how it clips in, and Bride-to-be doesn't want me to look "masked" - it doesn't, does it? I don't think she understood what I meant when I said "over the eyes".

And while I'm posting pics... bouquet idea, garter idea and cake ideas (cupcake cake.. we're considering having the one on top so we can cut it):

Dream a little dream for me

Last night I had a dream that I went to some kind of club that only married people were allowed into (what, the?!). You had to show your marriage certificate upon arrival, so I showed them my commitment certificate. They told me I wasn't allowed in, but while I was standing there, a bundle of people I know who are married, were allowed through the door.

"I have a wife," I said.
"Yeah, well show me your marriage certificate".
'This is all I have," I gestured to my certificate again.
"It doesn't count. Tell me a good reason you're not married."
"I'm not allowed to marry the person I love. And secondly, I'm technically still married in the eyes of the Church."
"Oh, well then I'll let you in," he said, "as you're married, technically".

I told him to stick his little marriage club. "Your viewing my previous marriage as something more serious that this, which is my REAL marriage?! It may not be legal, but it means a hell of a lot more to me, a*ss!"

And so I walked off, refusing to enter to the door, full of anger.

I didn't realise I was so upset about the marriage issue until this dream. I've had my legal marriage and I've realised how little it can mean. Marriage is about commitment and love and passion, and these are all the things I have with B2B. We can get married legally and have it recognised in England (as my Bride is pommy) and we've been seriously looking into this.... but I still know that a non-legal Australian marriage means less to some people than a legal marriage. Not to us.

This morning, Bride to be said "I'm coming home to you early today." (I hurt myself playing soccer, but that's another post).
I said, "can you do that?"
She replied that "(Name) went home to his wife when she was injured"
Her emphasis was on the word "his", and that just made me so happy because it implies that I'm hers.

I've struggled with the thought of the term 'wife' as I'm not conditioned to believe in having a wife, but the closer we get to our wedding, the more the term wife seems to make sense. She'll be my wife.

Engagement party

It was awesome, so a full report is in order. In point form, I feel.

The day:

* We woke up and I kissed B2B goodbye and went to buy my wedding dress with my friend and her daughters. We had a lovely morning, catching up and gossiping about life.
* I returned home, iced the cakes, chatted to B2B about what needed to be done and then the two of us went to the shops to buy some last minute things, and eat lunch. We were both quite giggly and happy, which surprised me since it was just an engagement party, but we were both just having a lovely day. It felt like a really special day.
* In the afternoon, two of our friends dropped over - with a family member in hospital (emergency) they couldn't come to the party, but dropped food and a present off. We told them they needn't have worried, and were so honoured that they had. Particularly the food - despite the emergency, they'd prepared the food they'd promised
* That pretty much set the tone for it all - we were overwhelmed by the people who brought food like various breads, a vegan black forest cake (yes), chicken wings, salad, appetisers and so on
* The party started at 6.30, but the first guests arrived to assist at about 5.45. I was dressed and putting my makeup on, while B2B was still in her work clothes and finalising the yard. Much giggles about how I got dressed first and was pampering myself
* I wore a pair of very high heels and my feet are still killing me today
* We put one of those digital photo frames out with about 100 photos of the course of our relationship. It was B2B's idea, and I thought it was brilliant. A lot of people came and stood in front of it, and commented on various photos. I am considering doing something like this for the wedding.
* A couple of friends brought a "Happy Engagement" banner over. We put a "y" in it so it read "Happy EngaYgment". Genius idea of mine.
* We put the banner up. B2B went up the ladder as I handed her bluetak. She said "I think we'll need the sticky tape". I started to walk off, she asked where I was going, and I said "to get sticky tape". She laughed and told me it was in my hand. It was. She asked me if I'd been drinking. I hadn't. We were in stitches of laughter, and just in light, happy moods.

The guests have arrived:

* The party went well with appetisers, and then a meal (Spaghetti bolognaise and a vegetarian pasta) with breads, salad and so on
* One of my friends was on call, so had his ambulance out the front. Most people commented on that upon arrival which was funny.

Earth Hour:

* Earth Hour then occured, so we turned all the lights off and sat in candle light which was kind of cool. One of our (early) engagement gifts was ten candle lanterns, so we lit them, along with several other candles around the place.
* During Earth Hour, I made a speech. I didn't drink (much) before the speech as I wanted to be coherent. I was sober, but I don't think I was coherent. I kept going off on tangents. I think it was because there was so much to say and yet, I didn't know what to say.
* I talked about the cake, and how it was my attempt to prove to B2B that I should make our wedding cake, and yet..... we're now buying our wedding cake (but I was complimented on the cake decorating, even though that was the reason I felt we should buy the cake). I also said how I fell for B2B at an engagement party, and months later, decided I wanted to marry her at the beach... and here we were at OUR engagement party and we will be marrying her at that very beach.
* I thanked everyone for coming, told them I appreciated them bringing stuff (and by stuff, I meant food, but the laughter made me think they thought I meant presents, which I didn't. I was just kind of overwhelmed by everyone being so supportive).
* B2B didn't make a speech, due to shyness, but she got her cousin K to speak on her/our behalf. K made a toast, wishing us well and said she loves B2B and she loves me. She said she couldn't imagine two people better suited to one another, which surprised me as K loves one of B2B's exes (who was at the party). When we discussed that later (I'm not sure if I asked or if she explained) she said that came from the heart, and that we are perfectly suited and though she loves the ex, she thinks they were "friends" and the love that B2B & I share is different.
* Later on, K came up to me and told me she loves me equally to her love for B2B, and she's never had that before with a family member's partner. She said she's truly happy for us... and B2B and I had both been talking about having her as MC at the wedding, because she knows us both well, and likes us both. We felt that it would be the appropriate time to ask her and she was truly honoured.
* During Earth Hour, one of the guys got B2B's guitar and started a sing along in a corner

The mood:

* The mood was really relaxed and light, and even though I'd decided not to drink, I changed my mind after Earth Hour finished and brought out the Vodka. It needn't have mattered. Everyone felt I was drunk even though I wasn't.
* All in all, I enjoyed it. Plenty of groups of people mingling. The first part of the night, everyone was standing like a cocktail party, which was really cool. Often at parties people sit and segregate from others, but the first part everyone was really mingling, which made me very happy to see and participate in.
* So many people wished us well. I feel very lucky to have these wonderful people in my life. Some were old friends, some were new friends, and it was just wonderful to feel so happy and have everyone be happy for us. Many people told us so, and that was nice.

Vodka:

* I shared my Vodka around with several people and was surprised that two girls drank it straight. I shouldn't have been surprised, knowing who they are :-D
* I had conversations with B2B's family (including her Mum) about Dyke Drama (another couple, not us. In fact, I told them that I had not yet been privy to this Dyke Drama, but I'd observed enough of it to comment, and would let them know if I was ever part of it).
* Two of B2B's cousins jostled around the pool about to push one another in. B2B decided to take over, and pushed them both in, wetting the phone from the pocket of one of them.

The end:

* I felt that I mingled heaps, got to chat to everyone, and really loved everyone who was there. It really was a light mood.
* As people started leaving, we were left in one smaller group with various interesting conversations.
* We handed a guest book around (well, pieces of paper) and read the messages before bed, and were chuffed by all the well wishes. I spent the next afternoon scrapbooking photos and guest book entries
* I think it was about 3am before bed, after much chatting, dancing, present opening, photograph taking and so on